Dear Puggle:

I am in love with a friend but confused by her actions around me. “Lisa” and I met in college and, after she graduated, she moved to Utah. Recently, I traveled out to see her and, even though she insisted we were both friends, made advances that seemed more than platonic. I have considered moving out there to be near her and, recently, have been unable to think about anyone but her while on dates with other women. I want make Lisa more than just a friend, but can’t escape that label. What would you do?

Frank the Friend

Friend:

I don’t envy your situation. Have you ever seen that crappy movie “Just Friends” or whatever? The one that got like horrid reviews but has been watched in my house nonetheless? Well, it sounds like your life is a crappy movie, except you’re not Ryan Reynolds.

Here’s the thing, if she says one thing but does another, you have to start looking at her actions. Sniff her butt, that’s always gives insight into someones subconscious, and start making minor moves. For instance, start sitting a little ways away from her on the couch, and slowly work towards her until you end up laying in her lap. That’s what I do to get where I want.

Or, you could go the fastest route and just start humping her leg. Fair warning, though: she might kick you.

Dear Prudence Puggle,
Once again, my boyfriend and I had a fight over my dog. I have a mini dachshund-chihuahua mix that is my baby. I’m not weird about it; she doesn’t eat from a dinner plate or accompany me on trips to the mall, but she is allowed to sit on the sofa and sleep at the foot of my bed. My boyfriend is pretty much repulsed by this, and my dog, in return, is terrified of him. Last night, she was sitting by me on the sofa and I petted her head. A few minutes later, I playfully reached out to rub my boyfriend’s head and he got really upset, said my hand smelled like the dog, how disgusting that was, etc. He routinely terrorizes her by growling at her when he comes in the door and pinching her on the nose. He’s 48 and I’m 45, so neither of us is going to change our ways, but I wish he could learn to accept that I love my dog and am not going to change just to satisfy him. This has come to the point of almost breaking us up more than once, even though our relationship is otherwise very good. We can’t even consider living together because of this one issue! What’s the compromise here, so that we’re both happy?—Pooch Lover

Dear Pooch:

First off, know I’ve already made a call to your local SPCA. Do you eat out of a plastic bowl on the floor? Do you make company do the same? Then why should your little fufu dog? Just because we’re canines doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings “Pooch Lover.”

Secondly, who are you dating, Michael Vick? For someone who seems like a garage sale special (48 and dating a woman who’s obsessed with her dog? Pfft. Dingleberry.) he sure is picky. Let me ask you this: How often does Mr. Vick bath? Because whether or not my owner decides to load me into the bathtub, I wash daily. Sure, it’s with my tongue, but what else am I supposed to use? You probably groom your little yappie dog more than he maintains his nose hairs. My advice, go to your local dog park with your Taco Bell dog and look for a real man. But remember, guys with huge dogs are like middle-aged men with sports cars–they have lots of disposable income.