what the hell, man?

I’m with Deebs here. The world is falling apart. Drag me to hell? Nope. We’re already there.

Need proof? There’s a guy who believes Lady Gaga—who may or may not be a lady!—is trying to use her brand of pop music to control our minds. After listening to her album and watching several of her music videos, I think I’m qualified to say this person is full of shit. Gaga told me so! Through her music! Related: I have a new head shot for the site. Thoughts?

This same guy (or woman!) thinks that Jay-Z is a member of the Illuminati and that the video for “Run This Town” has “occult connections.” First, let me once again set the record straight: Jay is not a member of the Illuminati. As a long-time member, I can confirm this as a fact.

Sure, he’s tried to gain acceptance, but fame isn’t the only way to get in. Sure, it was enough for me, but—I’m not sure if you’ve heard—I’m pretty important.

From the post:

So this is the video at face value: Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West are performing in front of an angry mob, which is apparently out to overthrow the current order of things and thus “Run This Town”. The aesthetics of the video are reminiscent of movements led by rebel factions in third world African or Latino countries.

What the hell, man? You’re kinda racist. Also, have you never seen Mad Max? Are you unaware that those films have been the inspiration for other hip hop videos based in a dystopian future where fuel is scarce and law and order has begun to break down.

What the hell, man? Oh, actually, I do know. You’re a moron.

Dear Bruiser,

You are the 2nd cutest canine EVER! I am a huge fan. That golden coat, that under bite…well, I could go on all day.
Anyhoo, I was wondering, are you friends with the Puggle in I Love You Man? I rented that movie last weekend, and when I saw the Puggle, I cried out “BRUISER IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTER THAN YOU!!” I couldn’t help myself. I hope you don’t think I’m a stalker or anything, but I just think you are so adorable! And I wondered if you hang out with the canine Hollywood elite.
I can’t wait for your reply, Bruiser!!

Love, your biggest fan,
Old Lady Grubbs
Butler, Pa.

Grubbsie,

This is a question I get all the time. And, honestly, it’s an offensive one. Do I hang out with the canine Hollywood elite? I am the canine Hollywood elite. Need proof?

Here I am with Paris and Niki Hilton, Russell Simons, and some other D-bags at a party. That dude with the cap? MASSIVE TOOL. I won’t even mention his name. He also smells worse than I do. Jus’ sayin’.

“But how come I never see pictures of you in the gossip rags like People, or In Touch, or Playdog,” you’re probably wondering.

That’s because, like Jon Bon Jovi, I have a “gentleman’s agreement with the paps to not shoot me when I’m out and about. Consequently, candids of me are pretty rare. But here are a few rare images that prove my superstar Hollywood status.

And here I am with Kanye and Lady Gaga, before K. West decided to cancel their tour. You know, after the whole Taylor Swift/MTV Video Music Awards thing, people were talking about how ‘Ye might have a drinking problem. To that, I say: No comment. I can’t snitch on my boy!

And here, because you specifically asked about it, is me on the set of I Love You Man with Paul Rudd and Jason Whatshisnameorsomething. Honestly, J. What is a cool guy, and I loved him on Freaks and Geeks. He and Doogie Howser make How I Met Your Mother watchable (who gives a pooper scooper about Ted, anyway?) But for the life of me, I can never remember Jason’s last name. Does this make me a bad dog? Yes, it probably does.

In case you needed any more proof (and I doubt you do), here’s a screen cap from my latest gig.

That’s right, I’m in one of the new Apple Mac/PC ads. And, because it’s on the Internet, it must be true!

So, yes, I do hobnob with Hollywood stars. Because I am one. Got a question? Write ask [at] askapuggle [dot] com and have your questions (and dreams) answered.