Dear Puggle:

During a visit with my brother-in-law’s family, I was sitting at the table chatting when my 3-year-old nephew ran up, screamed, “I am a dragon,” and bit my arm. Shocked and in pain, I ended up hitting him and knocking him over. He started crying and ran to his room. My brother-in-law said, “I know it was almost a reflex, but you can’t come in here and hit my kid.” I totally agree and feel terrible that I struck his son. This is not the first time I have been bitten by this nephew, and he has been sent home from day care because of biting. I now have a bruise where he bit me through my jacket. I have apologized profusely, but I still feel like a monster. How could I have better resolved the situation without resorting to violence?

- Flustered and Hurt

Wow, that kid’s got the right idea. I mean, he should have said, “I’m a dog, grrrrrr.” But dragon’s OK, kind of original I guess. But hitting him? He shouldn’t have ran crying, he should have bitten you more and scratched up your face. Did you at least give him a treat afterward? Maybe he just wanted you to talk him on a walk? Ever think of that?

Want him to stop? Do what my owner does: squirt him in the face with water. Sure, it’s not very nice, and maybe he’ll think you’re playing (that’s what I do to Foodman, makes him angrier. Love it.) Either way, he’ll get the point and you avoid abusing the little punk.

Here’s my question to you: How crappy is your jacket? And he bruised you? You must be weak. Oh, you’re how old? My bad, monster. My bad.

Dear Prudence Puggle,
Once again, my boyfriend and I had a fight over my dog. I have a mini dachshund-chihuahua mix that is my baby. I’m not weird about it; she doesn’t eat from a dinner plate or accompany me on trips to the mall, but she is allowed to sit on the sofa and sleep at the foot of my bed. My boyfriend is pretty much repulsed by this, and my dog, in return, is terrified of him. Last night, she was sitting by me on the sofa and I petted her head. A few minutes later, I playfully reached out to rub my boyfriend’s head and he got really upset, said my hand smelled like the dog, how disgusting that was, etc. He routinely terrorizes her by growling at her when he comes in the door and pinching her on the nose. He’s 48 and I’m 45, so neither of us is going to change our ways, but I wish he could learn to accept that I love my dog and am not going to change just to satisfy him. This has come to the point of almost breaking us up more than once, even though our relationship is otherwise very good. We can’t even consider living together because of this one issue! What’s the compromise here, so that we’re both happy?—Pooch Lover

Dear Pooch:

First off, know I’ve already made a call to your local SPCA. Do you eat out of a plastic bowl on the floor? Do you make company do the same? Then why should your little fufu dog? Just because we’re canines doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings “Pooch Lover.”

Secondly, who are you dating, Michael Vick? For someone who seems like a garage sale special (48 and dating a woman who’s obsessed with her dog? Pfft. Dingleberry.) he sure is picky. Let me ask you this: How often does Mr. Vick bath? Because whether or not my owner decides to load me into the bathtub, I wash daily. Sure, it’s with my tongue, but what else am I supposed to use? You probably groom your little yappie dog more than he maintains his nose hairs. My advice, go to your local dog park with your Taco Bell dog and look for a real man. But remember, guys with huge dogs are like middle-aged men with sports cars–they have lots of disposable income.