what the hell, man?

I’m with Deebs here. The world is falling apart. Drag me to hell? Nope. We’re already there.

Need proof? There’s a guy who believes Lady Gaga—who may or may not be a lady!—is trying to use her brand of pop music to control our minds. After listening to her album and watching several of her music videos, I think I’m qualified to say this person is full of shit. Gaga told me so! Through her music! Related: I have a new head shot for the site. Thoughts?

This same guy (or woman!) thinks that Jay-Z is a member of the Illuminati and that the video for “Run This Town” has “occult connections.” First, let me once again set the record straight: Jay is not a member of the Illuminati. As a long-time member, I can confirm this as a fact.

Sure, he’s tried to gain acceptance, but fame isn’t the only way to get in. Sure, it was enough for me, but—I’m not sure if you’ve heard—I’m pretty important.

From the post:

So this is the video at face value: Jay-Z, Rihanna and Kanye West are performing in front of an angry mob, which is apparently out to overthrow the current order of things and thus “Run This Town”. The aesthetics of the video are reminiscent of movements led by rebel factions in third world African or Latino countries.

What the hell, man? You’re kinda racist. Also, have you never seen Mad Max? Are you unaware that those films have been the inspiration for other hip hop videos based in a dystopian future where fuel is scarce and law and order has begun to break down.

What the hell, man? Oh, actually, I do know. You’re a moron.

Dear Bruiser,

You are the 2nd cutest canine EVER! I am a huge fan. That golden coat, that under bite…well, I could go on all day.
Anyhoo, I was wondering, are you friends with the Puggle in I Love You Man? I rented that movie last weekend, and when I saw the Puggle, I cried out “BRUISER IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTER THAN YOU!!” I couldn’t help myself. I hope you don’t think I’m a stalker or anything, but I just think you are so adorable! And I wondered if you hang out with the canine Hollywood elite.
I can’t wait for your reply, Bruiser!!

Love, your biggest fan,
Old Lady Grubbs
Butler, Pa.

Grubbsie,

This is a question I get all the time. And, honestly, it’s an offensive one. Do I hang out with the canine Hollywood elite? I am the canine Hollywood elite. Need proof?

Here I am with Paris and Niki Hilton, Russell Simons, and some other D-bags at a party. That dude with the cap? MASSIVE TOOL. I won’t even mention his name. He also smells worse than I do. Jus’ sayin’.

“But how come I never see pictures of you in the gossip rags like People, or In Touch, or Playdog,” you’re probably wondering.

That’s because, like Jon Bon Jovi, I have a “gentleman’s agreement with the paps to not shoot me when I’m out and about. Consequently, candids of me are pretty rare. But here are a few rare images that prove my superstar Hollywood status.

And here I am with Kanye and Lady Gaga, before K. West decided to cancel their tour. You know, after the whole Taylor Swift/MTV Video Music Awards thing, people were talking about how ‘Ye might have a drinking problem. To that, I say: No comment. I can’t snitch on my boy!

And here, because you specifically asked about it, is me on the set of I Love You Man with Paul Rudd and Jason Whatshisnameorsomething. Honestly, J. What is a cool guy, and I loved him on Freaks and Geeks. He and Doogie Howser make How I Met Your Mother watchable (who gives a pooper scooper about Ted, anyway?) But for the life of me, I can never remember Jason’s last name. Does this make me a bad dog? Yes, it probably does.

In case you needed any more proof (and I doubt you do), here’s a screen cap from my latest gig.

That’s right, I’m in one of the new Apple Mac/PC ads. And, because it’s on the Internet, it must be true!

So, yes, I do hobnob with Hollywood stars. Because I am one. Got a question? Write ask [at] askapuggle [dot] com and have your questions (and dreams) answered.

Dear Puggle:

During a visit with my brother-in-law’s family, I was sitting at the table chatting when my 3-year-old nephew ran up, screamed, “I am a dragon,” and bit my arm. Shocked and in pain, I ended up hitting him and knocking him over. He started crying and ran to his room. My brother-in-law said, “I know it was almost a reflex, but you can’t come in here and hit my kid.” I totally agree and feel terrible that I struck his son. This is not the first time I have been bitten by this nephew, and he has been sent home from day care because of biting. I now have a bruise where he bit me through my jacket. I have apologized profusely, but I still feel like a monster. How could I have better resolved the situation without resorting to violence?

- Flustered and Hurt

Wow, that kid’s got the right idea. I mean, he should have said, “I’m a dog, grrrrrr.” But dragon’s OK, kind of original I guess. But hitting him? He shouldn’t have ran crying, he should have bitten you more and scratched up your face. Did you at least give him a treat afterward? Maybe he just wanted you to talk him on a walk? Ever think of that?

Want him to stop? Do what my owner does: squirt him in the face with water. Sure, it’s not very nice, and maybe he’ll think you’re playing (that’s what I do to Foodman, makes him angrier. Love it.) Either way, he’ll get the point and you avoid abusing the little punk.

Here’s my question to you: How crappy is your jacket? And he bruised you? You must be weak. Oh, you’re how old? My bad, monster. My bad.

Dear Puggle:

I am in love with a friend but confused by her actions around me. “Lisa” and I met in college and, after she graduated, she moved to Utah. Recently, I traveled out to see her and, even though she insisted we were both friends, made advances that seemed more than platonic. I have considered moving out there to be near her and, recently, have been unable to think about anyone but her while on dates with other women. I want make Lisa more than just a friend, but can’t escape that label. What would you do?

Frank the Friend

Friend:

I don’t envy your situation. Have you ever seen that crappy movie “Just Friends” or whatever? The one that got like horrid reviews but has been watched in my house nonetheless? Well, it sounds like your life is a crappy movie, except you’re not Ryan Reynolds.

Here’s the thing, if she says one thing but does another, you have to start looking at her actions. Sniff her butt, that’s always gives insight into someones subconscious, and start making minor moves. For instance, start sitting a little ways away from her on the couch, and slowly work towards her until you end up laying in her lap. That’s what I do to get where I want.

Or, you could go the fastest route and just start humping her leg. Fair warning, though: she might kick you.

Dear Prudence Puggle,
Once again, my boyfriend and I had a fight over my dog. I have a mini dachshund-chihuahua mix that is my baby. I’m not weird about it; she doesn’t eat from a dinner plate or accompany me on trips to the mall, but she is allowed to sit on the sofa and sleep at the foot of my bed. My boyfriend is pretty much repulsed by this, and my dog, in return, is terrified of him. Last night, she was sitting by me on the sofa and I petted her head. A few minutes later, I playfully reached out to rub my boyfriend’s head and he got really upset, said my hand smelled like the dog, how disgusting that was, etc. He routinely terrorizes her by growling at her when he comes in the door and pinching her on the nose. He’s 48 and I’m 45, so neither of us is going to change our ways, but I wish he could learn to accept that I love my dog and am not going to change just to satisfy him. This has come to the point of almost breaking us up more than once, even though our relationship is otherwise very good. We can’t even consider living together because of this one issue! What’s the compromise here, so that we’re both happy?—Pooch Lover

Dear Pooch:

First off, know I’ve already made a call to your local SPCA. Do you eat out of a plastic bowl on the floor? Do you make company do the same? Then why should your little fufu dog? Just because we’re canines doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings “Pooch Lover.”

Secondly, who are you dating, Michael Vick? For someone who seems like a garage sale special (48 and dating a woman who’s obsessed with her dog? Pfft. Dingleberry.) he sure is picky. Let me ask you this: How often does Mr. Vick bath? Because whether or not my owner decides to load me into the bathtub, I wash daily. Sure, it’s with my tongue, but what else am I supposed to use? You probably groom your little yappie dog more than he maintains his nose hairs. My advice, go to your local dog park with your Taco Bell dog and look for a real man. But remember, guys with huge dogs are like middle-aged men with sports cars–they have lots of disposable income.

Dear Prudence Puggle,
I am a middle-aged woman who for almost two decades has been having an affair with a married man. His wife is severely disabled and has no interest in sex. He tells me that if I would marry him, he’d divorce her and put her in a nursing home, but I cannot see why that should happen. Their grown children help with her at-home care. I feel deeply loved by this man and want no one else. So, what’s the problem? People thinking that I have no man in my life, always making comments about it, and trying to fix me up, etc. My man says that I am free to tell them about our relationship. But when I have opened up and explained my situation, I have to hear what a bitch I am (not close friends, of course). I’m a highly independent woman who pays her own bills and makes her own decisions. I’m tired of pretending that I’m a woman without love, for in truth, I’m loved quite deeply. But I also don’t feel that I should have to explain. What’s a woman like me to say?

—Not Lonely

Dear Lonely:

I don’t think I’m any help on this one. I’m neutered.